My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
