no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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