the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
