Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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