having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
