I looked at my own cervix.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
