Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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