Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
