Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
