His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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