he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
