oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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