My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
