Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
