I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
