is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize