I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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