We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
