I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
