You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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