You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
