yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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