is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
