if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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