Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
