my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
