I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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