Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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