she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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