I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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