Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize