My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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