Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
