I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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