Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
God, I missed his penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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