i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
