glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
