if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
40s are totally the cure
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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