I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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