When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've blown a few things in my day
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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