Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this boner is exhausting
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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