This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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