My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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