My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
