Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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