Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
