My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
