Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
