Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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