He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
