Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
