i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize