I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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