Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
