I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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