he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
