I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
