Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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