I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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