well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
