I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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