there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize